A Soliloguy by the Fountain

Alive.
Wind is whispering
As it blows lightly
On my face.

The sunshine
Warms my heart
As it
Dances on my skin.

The water from the fountain
Flows
It's constant rushing sound
Calms my senses.

I am reminded
Of how great God is
I thank Him for giving me life.
For this beautiful outdoors.

I'm again filled with awe by His greatness.

Running on Empty

Sometimes I feel like work drains me, not only does it make the color of my face look dead from the endless jaded stares at the excel spreadsheets, it also makes me really spiritually dead.

Many times I trip and fall, get up try again just to be stepped on again. I seek and seek for good friends, and as days go by, I still seek and seek. I try to find satisfaction through winning approval of others, or perhaps through comfort food....yet I feel so empty, parched, dry.

I ask God many times, "where are you"? I sing songs to him but sometimes I just don't want to sing anymore. Where is my God? I feel so far away that when I pray I feel like he's far away from me.

As I fill my life up with wordly things, my heart feels dead. I seek and never find satisfaction. I keep digging but there is no treasure.

"Cry In My Heart"

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head


... Lord, make me alive again. Fill me with Your presence. I need You.

Things Often Left Unsaid - something to think about

Don't we all wish sometimes that we could read each other's minds? Would we be happier? Or would it make things worst? Consider the below:

Things Often Left Unsaid

To a mom:
I'm sorry I was so mean to you.
Sometimes I just get annoyed that you nag me so often.
When I'm alone on a Saturday night, it actually means a lot to me when you call.
I'm really not as independent as I claim to be.

To a new boyfriend:
I love you.
I'm scared to say these words because I'm afraid to be hurt...again.
Do you feel the same way? *please say yes...why can't you say it first!*

To a longtime boyfriend:
I love you with all my heart.
But although you've been good to me for so long,
Sometimes I'm confused.
How do I know that you're the one for me? When is someone "good enough"?

To a new guy friend:
Can we be just "friends?
Why does this attraction thing always get in the way?
If I told you I was taken, would you still be my friend?
I'm scared that things will not be the same between us.
It always ends this way.

To an ex lover:
I'm sorry, I was wrong.
I wish I could patch things up and be friends again.
Although that's not possible, and we don't talk anymore,
I still miss you - alot and wish you'd call.

To a busy girl friend:
Where are you these days?
How many more emails do I have to write to you and not receive a reply?
How many more unreturned phone calls?
Sometimes I want to end the friendship, but I'm scared that if I do, you still won't care.
I'll be even more hurt.

To God:
Why do I feel so far away from You?
I'm sorry that I have complained so much about this life you've given me.
Can you really forgive all my sins?
I'm so confused and full of uncertainty, but I still find it hard to put everything in Your hands.

God: I hear every thought in your heart.

As you can see above, we are often so afraid to be vulnerable to each other. Perhaps its pride, perhaps we're just insecure, perhaps its a bad past experience. Although we can't read each other's minds and yes most things will be left unsaid, we can trust the Lord to know and understand all the cares and burdens of our hearts. He will bring us through every trial, and celebrate with us during times of joy. Help us to be less prideful and love one another. God knows our thoughts so we must trust that He will fulfill our every need, mend our relationships, and always love us unconditionally.

Pure and Holy Passion (exerpts)

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your dicsiple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

Lord to know and follow hard after you
And to grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

...Lord no matter how tired I am, how frustrated, how hopeless, how desparate, how cold! I'll make it my ambition to know and follow hard after You (no more excuses).

Moments

Life, how I cherish you. Lord I thank you for providing me with so many great memories. Although so many of my friends are so far away, I thank you for the many many lessons that I have learned from them and the much remembered laughter and great times.

A picture is worth a thousand words. When I look at a picture it always brings me back in time. I can almost hear the background noises, the smells around us, the people, the happy moment. Captured forever. As time goes by, we may change and go our separate ways with our different dreams. We may not even be good friends anymore. We may never be in that particular place again, or have the same experiences again. It always brings a smile to my face when I look through my collection of pictures but it also saddens me that I can never really relive that moment. We can never relive the past, eventhough sometimes we really wish we could.

Unfortunately, we must all grow up. We must keep moving onwards. Take a deep breath and embrace the non-comforting uncertainty, unfamiliarity and hardships that lie ahead. Sometimes we have to finally accept the fact that there is no going back. Sometimes we just simply have to let go and just trust in the Lord. And even if the time you are expriencing right now doesn't seem as attractive at those moments in your pictures, you must keep believing that if you hang on and be patient, you will have another picture moment. Perhaps many - and even better!

Life always changes, and I will always change at I keep on learning from my experiences. Thats why we need God. He is our only constant. The only thing that is NOT a picture that will NEVER change! Here is a song that really encouraged me to rely on God:

All In All

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up, I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, I bless Your name
You are my all in all

When I fall down, You pick me up
When I am dry, You fill my cup
You are my all in all

...so lets not be sad when we look at the pictures of our past. But give thanks to the Lord and trust that He has many more pictures in store for your life ahead. No regrets, no complaints. And when you encounter a happy moment, don't forget to smile and say "cheese".

Numbness - Where Are You Lord?

Sometimes you realize how quickly life passes by. Its be so long since I've blogged. But to be honest I have nothing to talk about. I could talk about my Christmas break, or about my latest Salsa adventure...but its not anything significant. I had the most craziest week at work...I guess I could complain about it, but why bother? Just to really summarize how I feel, I honestly feel that its just all been some mad rush. Week after week, I have to go to fellowship, cellgroup, hang out with my friends, go to a billion meetings at work and send 1 billion and 1 emails. On top of that I have to study cuz I'm doing a course as well. The weekends are crazy with errands, friends again, random stuff...etcetcetc....ARGH! STOP! PAUSE! Today after staying at work on Friday till 6:30pm and subwaying 1 hour to go to fellowship and coming home at 12:30am...i've had it. This is madness. STOP.

I sit in my room after this entire mess/hurricane of stuff and I just sit on my bed. I'm not tired, but I don't have anything to really do. I reflect for the first time in months. So much has happened. Things are coming together, I'm meeting new friends, my appartment's all settled in, work is coming along (well I'm still dying...but its coming along...slowly). I realize that the reason why I'm so tired to because I want to do EVERYTHING and be EVERYTHING in life. I want to keep in touch with EVERYONE, I want to make EVERYONE happy, I want to accomplish EVERYTHING that needs to be done at work, make time for EVERY gathering. I want to be perfect, I want to keep all my old friends, I want to .......

I start praying to God. I feel like i'm treading water. I keep trying to stay afloat, but everytime I try to stay on top I feel myself drowning again. Its like a never ending cycle. I felt really disturbed. I think back and I am saddened that I cannot remember that last time I really experienced God's presence since starting work. I realize that the Lord has never been my priority. Its not urgent, I almost take for granted that He will always be there. I always tell people to have faith, to pray to God and I am convinced that I do have these things, but yet I don't remember how it feels to feel the peace of God. I don't remember the last time I really shared with someone about my spiritual life for a very long time. What happened to those prayers that I used to pray so passionately with my friends. Asking God to protect us from temptation and for strength and wisdom to get through this life. Or how I so passionately wanted to serve the Lord. When was the last time I really worshipped to the Lord with my entire heart and not be distracted by other things. Or really get something out of church and apply it to my daily life. I realize that I have become dull. My life seems so enriched with so much going on now, but my spritual life is dorment. I love the Lord, but I feel like I've lost my passion to grow. In fact, when was the last time I shared Christ with my friends? Or read the bible without falling asleep? Or prayed and felt like God was close by and hear Him speak to me...

Ever since working and coming to Toronto, I feel like it's just consumed all my energy, my liveliness, and my motivation to grow in Christ. What happened? I feel like I've become so wordly. Outside of work, I'm this floating mess with zero energy. I rush everywhere. I have fun I guess, but many times I don't even want to have meaningful conversations. Some people tell me that's the way it is. I'm a career person now, that "silly" passion goes away. Just come to church and make it to fellowship when you can. But no! I refuse to accept this a part of life, or getting older, or any other of those lies. Where did my passion go? Lord, lead me back to you. Re-light the oil in my lamp! I don't really know what to do from here, but speak to me. My heart is willing to listen. Perhaps I'll never achieve all my goals and be perfect, but at least I know the path to finally find peace in this chaos.

The Not So Glamorous "Yuppie" Life (from the perspective of a new Frosh in Life)

Sometimes you feel okay, sometimes you just don't. Sometimes you just get to a point in your life where you are just so utterly confused and overwhelmed that you just want to give up. There is nothing you want more than to just curl up in your bed all day with a warm cup of chinese tea.

Sometimes you just feel like you're lost. Sometimes you just feel like you're in this alone even though you aren't. That you wanna share with someone but nobody has time to listen to you complain and you feel like you're the only one feeling so crappy.

Sometimes you feel like you're a social outcast. Not being able to integrate into some smoggy "happening" big city where you are supposed to find stuff to do and find friends to hang out with..."like" all the time. That you don't know why its so hard to make new friends these days and that every effort you make is not returned and you don't know what's wrong with you.

Sometimes you get depressed because you realize that you can't go back in time and go back to university and not have to go to work. You realize that you cannot live in the past but then you can't let go cuz because you're scared that better times will never come in your new working life.

Sometimes you feel like you'll never get out of this rut you're in. No matter how you try to motivate yourself, trust in God, and attempt to make your life better. That all your efforts have resulted in nothing and you are just sick of being patient, of waiting, of trying, of uncertainty.

Sometimes you just feel a need to blog. Today is one of those days.